Granny sex and so much more!

Prosthetic malfunctions, grandmas and straights -- oh my!
(That's my version of going through the woods en route to see the Wizard of Oz.)


For the first time since the summer of 1983, I got a blow job from a girl!
Actually it was a 60 year old Russian woman -- and I was dressed in drag as Marilyn Monroe.
But we'll get to that later...

Last week was the LGBT 9th Anniversary party and it was a pretty amazing event, bringing out a great mix of young and old, black and white, male and female, gay and straight and everything in between those extremes.

The main focus of the evening for me was a performance I had to do with my fellow hostess Dee (a very sexy trannie). She was my duet partner and we were lipsynching to the original version of "No More Tears (Enough is Enough.)" Being the sexy Latina, she did the Donna Summer part, leaving me with someone named Barbra Streisand.

Earlier in the week, in addition to rehearsing the number, we also went shopping for outfits at Mandee (in the Atlantic Center/Brooklyn) and bought the same dress on sale: http://www.mandee.com/product/QAA/MD-M03011032509650/264/
It looked great on both of us and they had one more in the size we needed, so we bought two and decided to have "the same dress" be the story of our performance: we would start out in one outfit (different styled feather boa-lined pancho/jackets) and then as we took them off, realize we were wearing the same outfit and get into a fight that turns into sex as I realize how much I enjoy her whipping me with my own glove.

Well, the performance was a hit. The crowd really seemed to get into it!
We kept it as fresh as possible to fill the song's entire 4 minutes and 43 seconds!
(It's a long one! Ahem.)

One snafu (that turned out to be comedy gold): Since Pickles has a short upturned nose, there's no way she could pull off Barbra Streisand, so a wax prosthetic was employed, courtesy of Ben Nye wax and some olive oil to smooth it into shape.
I was actually quite frightening looking with heavy, dark eye makeup, more like a wicked witch.

And to top off the outfit, I had a white afro and a headband made from a silver sequined elastic belt that was too big, so I twisted it around and under the back of the wig, and wrapped it around my neck as a choker, locking it in the front. It looked amazing!
But once the disco part of "No More Tears" kicked in and I really started to ham it up and move around, my nose immediately fell off onto the stage.
The audience noticed and immediately responded positively. So at my earliest convenience, I bent over and picked it up and tried to mash it back on my face. About 20 seconds later it fell off again and my choker/head band combo came undone.

It was like my entire costume was literally falling apart as the song continued.

But the show must go on and we made it to the end with much applause, my belt wrapped around my neck like a scarf and my wax nose smeared all over the stage floor.

With the show behind me, and my Barbra nose non-existent, I refreshed my makeup, put on a new outfit and proceeded to monitor the space to make sure everyone's behavior was appropriate.

In the back room, a sexy lean (German?) woman with blond spiky hair was on the bed with three big-dicked African-American men. Clearly she was controlling the situation, and I've seen her play before, so I wasn't worried so much about what was happening there.
Next to the bed, however, were two OTHER young African-American men that were sitting on a leather padded sawhorse watching... and watching in a way that didn't feel right. They kinda looked like straight dudes enjoying watching a girl get fucked. So Pickles approached them:

Pickles: So... what are you guys into?
Guys: No answer.
Pickles: You like watching girls get fucked?
Guys: nodding.
Pickles: So you're straight?
Guys: Yeah.
Pickles: Well, I'm sorry, but we don't allow straight guys at this party, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Guys: Oh, ok. We didn't know that.
Pickles: ...NOW!
Guys: We want our money back, then.
Pickles: Yes, you'll get you money back. Let's go.

And I led them back to clothes check to get dressed and leave.
Apparently they complained to the other staff people that they hadn't gotten a chance to relax into the party... and were just told to leave for no reason.

So... what would've happened after they "relaxed into the party?"
They would've changed their sexual orientation with a few beers?
I don't have the time or patience for that kind of bullshit.

And even later on, the girl on the bed told me she noticed the guy closest to her on the sawhorse and felt something wasn't right about the way he was watching.

That element CAN'T be at this party if it's to succeed.
And after nine years, I think we're getting the hang of it.

Clearly they hadn't been there before and didn't read the rules posted at the entrance. They arrived with a gay friend (that probably got them in -- gay by association), but even the gay guy didn't realize queer-friendly hetero men are not invited.
As much of an exciting power trip it is to catch people like that and kick them out, just knowing that they're there in OUR queer space, invading OUR turf... it's like, can't we have SOMETHING that's just for us?
Why do straight men have to come in and spoil it?
And trust me (after nine years, I know) they do (spoil it.)

Once they were gone I felt a sense of relief.
Kind of like after the show.

And I could perhaps get a little involved with someone as long as I kept up my monitoring duties.

And the man I wanted to play with was there -- an INCREDIBLY sexy I-Want-To-Marry-You Indian guy with a beautiful cock, an amazing ass and the most dazzling eyes/eyelashes you'll ever see.
He ALSO happens to be into feet and I've written about him before -- with my foot through the glory hole to help him cum. ("Nice to Feet You" Sept. 4, 2010)
Actually I called him Abraham at that time and said he was "Middle Eastern." I'm pretty sure he told me his heritage was Indian, so let's change that to Abrahindi.
Whatever. He's HOT!

And he's TOTALLY gay, has had a boyfriend for years, but wants to try something with a woman and for it to happen organically, not something contrived that will end up being a show for everyone to watch. (But ANYTIME a woman is having sex at one of the LGBT parties, it BECOMES a show, so good luck with that Abrahindi!)

There weren't many bisexual women at the party wanting to play with men, but there was ONE he had expressed interest in -- and she's a regular at the party: a 60 year old Russian woman who always arrives early with her husband (or I assume it's her husband) and will give her pussy up to almost any friendly guy who wants it. And many (hot!) guys do! (I'm mean COME ON -- it's genuine PUSSY and pussy rules this world, I've learned!)
She kinda looked like Alice Ghostly (from "Designing Women" or "Bewitched").
So as much as Abrahindi didn't want a forced scene, he and "Olga" were in the same room. And Pickles was going to make it happen.

I had already talked to Abrahindi about so he knew what I was up to, it was just a matter of bringing in Olga.
So Pickles approached her in a yellow chiffon accordion-pleated mini dress reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe (according to others) white wig turned backwards to create a mini-Farrah flip look.

Olga took the bait, as her equally-aged husband (seated nearby) unenthusiastically looked on. She reached under my dress and began playing with my dick.
UGH!!! A "girl" touching my dick. Yuck!

So I looked over to Abrahindi and motioned with my head for him to come over and join us. He happily obliged.

I encouraged him to take out his dick so Olga could see it too. He was already getting aroused and before I knew it, Olga's fondling of my penis turned into a full fledged blow job! This 60 year old Russian grandmother was sucking my cock as I was dressed like Marilyn Monroe!
Ok, so maybe she's not a grandmother, but she's certainly old enough to be one.

And she WAS sucking my dick and I WAS getting hard!
Yes, Olga was a masterful cock sucker, but what was making me erect was having Abrahindi next to me, with our arms around each other, watching our dicks get worked.
Yes OUR dicks, because within less than minute after sucking my dick, Olga was grabbing Abrahindi's with her free hand.

Incredible. What a pro!

It was making Abrahindi hard and that in turn was keeping me aroused!

Abrahindi responded to the attention by putting his hand down Olga's loose red blouse to fondle her 60 year old breasts.
The nerve!
But she didn't push his hand away; she was accepting his aggressive behavior, as I accepted hers.

The whole scene couldn't have lasted for more than five minutes from beginning to end, because frankly, I was kind of grossed out by it (not because she was older, but because she was a girl)!
But it allowed me more time with Abrahindi who admitted he'd like to try fisting a girl, but has never done it, let alone, fuck a girl.

He's really kind of traditional in his interests: he likes his girls feminine and his men, older and masculine.
And trannies and drag queens like Pickles don't fit into that equation.
And even if I changed back to myself, he said it'd be hard to get the image of Pickles out of his mind. So I guess I shot myself in the foot with that one.

As for our three-way, I think it ended it before Olga even got around to sucking Abrahindi's dick.

Abrahindi ended up playing with another girl later in the night and at least got to finger her, which was a new fantasy fulfilled for him.
And me?

Well, as I said at the outset, that's that second blowjob I've gotten from a girl -- the first one being in the summer of '83.

And hopefully the next one won't be for another 28 years.

Banana Surprise!

Now that the holidays are over it seems Pickles has... soured.

Poor girl. No one wants to look at her videos.
The only thing "viral" about Pickles is her vaginal herpes.
But I digress.

Still Pickles plans to do some more videos, this time singing a couple songs about Safe Sex and then seeing if she can get interviewed about her views on sexual culture on the Howard Stern radio show, which is her dream!


Until then, there's STILL naughty shit going on at the parties, and I mean that almost literally.


Perhaps part of writing this blog is having something to actually write about.
And this past weekend was able to deliver a big one. So to speak.

One word: banana(s).


It's been important at parties for me to provide SOMETHING for the guys to get their energy up. And since I don't do drugs and I'm not a cocaine or crystal meth dealer, I opt to take the route of sugar or chocolate as my energy source.
And recently, in addition to putting out Little Debbie Treats, I started putting out bananas as a way of getting the guys' energy back up after all the physical exertion.
And it works!
There's rarely anything left after about 20 boxes of Little Debbies have been emptied.
PIGS!

Same goes for the bananas, which I pull apart from the bunch and display so elegantly in a 99 cent aluminum tray normally used for cooking turkies.
But someone was taking more than their fair share of bananas at a recent event.
And I found him.
He was Colombian and he was bringing them back into the "maze" area of the play space.
I thought he was attractive (I had been eyeing him all night!), so I flirted. He took the bait and asked if I wanted to join him in a scene he had already started.
I followed.

There was someone there -- waiting in the maze, in a small room just big enough to fit a twin sized mattress.

HE WAS PEELING THE BANANAS AND STICKING THEM UP THE GUY'S ASS AND THEN EATING THEM OUT!
WHAT?!!!!
Wait, I'm actually I'm jumping ahead.

At first "Colombo" was just rimming the guy and I couldn't really see what was going on. But Colombo's ass was sticking out and I hadn't eaten any in MONTHS and a Colombian ass was just the flavor or International Coffee I was looking for!
So as he ate a white guy's ass, this white guy ate his.

And he clearly seemed into.
A LOT.
So much so that I asked if he wanted to get fucked. And pushing it even further, was he into getting fisted?

Yes and yes!
But before I entered him safely with a condom (conveniently located with lube in a small box attached to the wall in the small room we were in) he asked if I could get four bananas to stick up there.
FOUR?!!!
I guess he REALLY must be into fisting!

So I retrieved the bananas and came back, ready to make my fruit delivery.
Also as requested, I fucked him first the normal way (using a condom of course), doggie style on the black vinyl padded twin sized mattress. He was SO into it. And because of the position, it was clear he couldn't do what he was doing before, so the other white guy left and it was just the two of us (with MANY people looking in and grabbing at us if they were close enough, but I just pushed away any hands that were invading our space.)

Normal fucking done, he was ready for the bananas.
But it wasn't like they would all go in together like a fist. Or one added to the next to widen his sphincter.
No.
He wanted them peeled and pushed inside, one after the other, and then fucked while the bananas were still up there.
Uh... ok.
I'm a team player!

But wait. Is that what he was doing to the other guy? Putting bananas up HIS ass and then RIMMING him?
But couldn't that get a bit... ya know.
Nasty?
But the other guy was gone and it was just the two of us now, so I fucked him with a couple peeled bananas inside his ass, not really able to feel what was inside there with my dick. I guess it just got too mushy.

The area was becoming fragrant with bananas!
Peels on the floor, smeared bananas on the vinyl bed sheet and even our bodies covered with bananas in certain areas.
After a while it was all a bit much and I started to lose interest, so I decided to switch things up and try putting my fist in there.
So I took the banana-lubed condom off my dick and wrapped it over my hand and started inserting the tips of my fingers.

It was then, that I could feel the bananas and also realize that he was not a true fisting bottom. He liked the IDEA of getting fisted, but realistically, my hands were just too big.

And those bananas inside? I HOPE they were bananas, because they really felt like something else.


After realizing the fisting was going nowhere and having run out bananas -- with them smeared all over the bed and on the floor (it was messy, but the ones in his ass REMAINED in his ass), he asked if I was 'open' to putting a banana up MY ass!
I was...
Maybe.

So he went to get one.

But I was really more intent on finishing our play and cumming.

When he returned with the banana and set it down on the bed, I was standing up on the mattress, masturbating.
He said that when (or if) he put the banana up my ass and ate it out -- if it came out a little "dirty" that was ok with him.
And on that note, I shot my load all over his face, ending our play before any fruit was ever introduced to my butt.
It was not going to happen this time around. Maybe next time.
Maybe not.

But he gave me his contact info.

And maybe one day he'll eat my shit -- or rather, the shit that's stuck to a banana coming out of my ass.

But until that moment happens, I think I'll stick to having bananas on my cereal for breakfast and call it a day.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME HIV/AIDS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?

(Note: be prepared for a angry rant...)

I'm SHOCKED at what happened last night.

And then that shock turns to sadness and rage.

Sadness that THIS is what gay people will do to each other, and rage that they were trying to do it to me!

Someone INTENTIONALLY tore a condom as I was penetrating them, so that it would be bareback sex.

I've been fucking for nearly 30 years and this has NEVER happened to me. It just shows how desperate and fucked up people can be. I'm HIV negative and I want to STAY that way, who the fuck are YOU to sero-convert me, you fucking asshole?

I had passed by the guy a few minutes earlier and he immediately grabbed my dick and was sucking it within seconds. He was attractive enough -- a bleached short crew cut, kind of light skinned Latin looking.

As he was bent over sucking me, I did my usual ass grab, feeling his crack and noticed it was already lubed up and kind of puffy around his hole -- like he had already been worked over that night. I didn't like that, so I moved my hand away and accepted the blow job.

After about 15 seconds he grabbed my hand (while still sucking!) and placed it back on his ass. He wanted it known his ass needed attention.

Once I was hard enough, he stood up, grabbed my hand and brought me to a nearby room about six feet away. It was late and no one else was around.


As we went to the room, I looked down and noticed he really had a J-Lo ass. On a girl it would be hot, but it was too big for a guy. But I was erect so I went with it anyway.
What a mistake.

He immediately reached to the condom and lube tray, making me think "Yay, he's grabbing a condom -- I'm so glad when guys are proactive about safe sex!" But rather than getting a condom for me, he grabbed only lube for himself.

Fine, I thought, it's MY responsibility to be prepared, I'll get the condom.


So I put it on, lubed it up and approached his already lubed ass.

This is when things got strange.

I've had guys place my dick inside them before, but this was the first time (IN 30 YEARS!) that the tip was being pinched. What was he doing? And it was taking a while. He had clearly already been fucked that night, so it's not like he needed to take it in slowly.

What was the delay? And what was that bizarre pressure being placed on the tip of my dick? Eventually my dick broke through his sphincter, but as it dick, it FELT like it broke through the condom too. It felt too much like skin-on-skin, so I IMMEDIATELY pulled it out, noticed the condom was broken, hit the guy on his back and yelled at him, "What the fuck are you doing? You broke the condom!"

"What do you mean? It broke?" He was playing innocent.

"I felt you squeezing the tip, you broke the condom!"

"No I didn't. What are you talking about? Look at my finger tips. They're not long enough to break a condom." It was as if he had the argument memorized.

"You can't do that here. You're gonna have to leave. NOW!"


He continued trying to argue that he was just placing my dick inside him and he wasn't trying to break the condom.

BULLSHIT! Because he could FEEL it break with his fingers -- and he didn't let it go into until he knew it had broken. He KNEW what was going on and it disgusted me. And it's SO clear to EVERYONE that barebacking is strictly forbidden at the party.

Once again, I told him to get dressed and leave.

I went to the front door and got his donation back and gave it to him as he was changing his clothes.

"Here's your money back and I don't want you to ever come back here again."

"I don't need your money," he said, refusing to accept it.


As he was leaving, I pointed him out to the staff, so they would know that he had been 86'd and was never allowed to return.

Once he was out the door, I had the DJ make an announcement that someone was just caught barebacking and kicked out, never allowed back. And that we are SERIOUS about our policy.

UGH! It really disgusts me how creepy and desperate and disrespectful gay guys can be to one another.

Is it possible it was an accident?

NO. Because with ALL the fucks I've had -- and there have been MANY, this has never happened. HE interfered with the way normal intercourse should occur and that resulted in a torn condom. HE is responsible. And the way he was so aggressive in wanting to get fucked, leads me to believe he's a careless individual. He does not deserve the decency that happens at my events.

And if someone is doing that, they're CLEARLY HIV positive (and if they aren't, they will be soon). It would make me want to press charges against him for... whatever you might wanna call. In a word: BAD.

FUCK HIM!



On a side note:
One other "BAD" story: two biological men that were born as men tried to infiltrate a lesbian party by posing as "trans"men, but were exposed. Literally.
Let it be known that any "men" trying to gain access will be humiliated.
The concept of trying to put one over on the women is disgraceful; I don't even have words for it.

How about this: SOME GUYS CAN BE REAL ASSHOLE CREEPS.