Sore Loser. Did I say SORE? I meant "Anally sodomized"

aka: Design Class 301 (Critical Analysis)

The NYC Department of Health is having a condom package design contest.
A sex party co-host of mine wanted to enter and had the idea of using a sewer cover as the image, so she took a photo and sent it to me to create a design.
The original slogan she came up with was "Cover Your Manhole" which I immediately knew wouldn't work because men don't refer to their urethra as their "manhole." And if you're referring to your anus as your manhole... well... that doesn't apply to the entire male population. And referring to any hole being penetrated as belonging to the man -- "your manhole?" That's just wrong. Covering the hole isn't how a condom functions. (Although sperm does flow out of one.)
So I suggested the simple "Cover It."
But that didn't work design-wise with two words of such differing lengths.
Another friend suggested "Keep It Covered" which split rather evenly in terms of design and had a nice sound to it. So "Keep It Covered" it was.
In terms of font selection I chose big block letters, because I wanted them to be white and translucent to resemble the latex inside the package. (Clever, right?)
I then spent six hours photoshopping a sewer lid to create a pattern that wasn't there and metal letters that didn't exist. So instead saying "NYC Sewer," I took apart the letters N.Y.& C. to create the word "CONDOM." And did it quite well, thank you!
I have to say, I thought my design was rather elegant. But it wasn't my concept and I didn't take the photo. I worked with what I was given and submitted it online to wait for the results.
The five finalists were to be voted on by the public, online.

In the meantime, we had a big promotional campaign all planned out: contact all of our party promoter friends with their lists of thousands. We also have our own huge email list. Plus we'd go on any talk show that would accept us -- to discuss sex parties (Hi, Howard Stern!) and our condom package design. We were truly going to go out and campaign for the vote. Even if our design wasn't the best or most clever, we'd win because we had so many contacts and because of our reputation for safe sex within LGBT community! We use way more NYC condoms than all of those other designers! I was even going to create a drag character and a promotional video to promote safe sex to be played at the press conference when the winner was announced! It was all planned out.
That character might be the only salvageable remnant of this catastrophe though, because three weeks later the nominees were announced and we were not even one of the finalists!
And to make it worse, one of the other nominees had a sewer cover in their design. They had stolen our concept! And their design style sucked!

Us vs. Them:
I'll admit I like elements of their design better: the perimeter of their hole (!) is more interesting with the notches (it looks like a gas or oil cap, not a sewer cover) and the cobble stones are very New York. And the size of their lid is smaller inside the frame, so from a distance, it even looks like a condom inside a package, with the notches looking like the wrinkled packaging around the condom. And there's more contrast in their image, so it grabs your attention more.
But... the "NYC Condom" lettering they have pales in comparison to my clever metal lettering. And my translucent block letter? It adds an element of sophistication that theirs doesn't have. They even created a fake looking grid on their cap to simulate a manhole cover. Hideous! But it does provide for contrast when viewed in a darkened night club.
Also: "Keep It Covered" is a slogan, and the judges might be looking more at the logos and images, not the words. And without the slogan, my design is kind of gray and the sewer cover is too big; it doesn't look like the condom floating inside the package like theirs does.
And what about the Spanish speaking/reading population? Will they understand "Keep It Covered?" I had never even considered that!
Nonetheless, I want to talk to those judges!

But fuck all that. Maybe they found out I ran sex parties and didn't want someone with my reputation winning the contest! (I've heard from sources that "the Department of Health knows who I am.") Yes! It's a conspiracy!
But no, the designers' names were not shown throughout the vetting process so as not to influence the judges. (For example, an Asian judge might be biased in favor of a design by someone named HungLo.)
So it's not that. I just have to face the fact that our design did not win.

It's all moot anyway.
The sewer cap is not the best concept and won't win, even though it's a good photo. I like the idea of one of the other nominees with a subway train going into a tunnel (symbolic -- hello!), but the execution sucks; it's a small white illustration on the bottom of a solid black wrapper.
The winner (other than us!) should and will be a computer ON button. Which is comprised of two shapes: a circle being penetrated by a straight line. It has tons of sexual innuendo and says "turn me on." Like a sperm entering an egg. A phallus entering a hole. Perfect. Simple. Instantly recognizable.
The only problems? The color selection they chose sucks (not tasteful) and it's not NYC-centric. But who cares? It's more clever than anything related to NYC. Still, isn't it copyrighted by Apple?
Byte into that, asshole judges! But I could be wrong.

Addendum:
There was a piss party at the space this past weekend.
Open to men of all ages. It used to be the only piss party we had, so they were known as "The Piss Party." But then another one started for younger men, prompting me to label them "Old Guy Piss Party" and "Young Guy Piss Party."
So on Saturday night I was talking to a friend about "The Old Guy Piss Party" when its promoter walked by and overheard me. He was mildly offended, but not really -- he thought it was funny. Although he preferred the label "Original Piss Party!"
They have been around since the 1970's.
"Original Piss Party" it shall be, then!